Ask almost anyone and they will tell you that any relationship is made stronger through good communication skills. They will also tell you that poor communication, if not handled quickly or properly can tear a relationship apart. If this is all true, then I believe the key point to keeping a healthy marriage is to maintain good communication skills. Every relationship is not perfect and couples will often find themselves facing issues of wrong assumptions, fear or not trusting their partners and misunderstanding their partners. With the prevailing technology of today, most couples may find their communication problems exacerbated if they use their gadgets in the wrong way. If these issues are let to fester, this could lead to a couple ending their marriage in a divorce. However, like most things in this world, I believe marriage can be salvaged from even the worst communication problems. By identifying their marital communication problems and sorting them out, couples can avoid divorce and enjoy a happy and healthy marriage.
There are probably three common miscommunication issues couples faces in their marriages. These come in the form of assumptions, fears and misunderstandings(Henry). It is true to say these three common problems are connected in a common thread. When it comes to communication, assumption is defined as a theory, thought or idea that is accepted as true or certain to happen without solid proof or evidence. This most often stems from the second communication problem of fear. Fear originates from the belief that someone, or in this case one's spouse, is likely to do wrong or cause pain. The third issue most couples deal with is misunderstanding, in which one or both partners fail to understand something correctly. Each of these problems deals its own blow to the relationship. It is unhealthy if a spouse develops a great amount of fear of his or her partner. In this case, one partner constantly dreads the future actions of or expects the worst of his or her partner. This leads him or her to the assumption that his partner's actions or words are a certain way when they are not. Instead of helping the problem, one member of the couple does not let each other truly know what is going on or what he or she expect from each other, therefore this is leads to a misunderstanding and eventually several fights. Other factors like technology gadgets or social media are most likely to make this communication problem worse than better, particularly if the one or both partners in the marriage misuse them.
It is thought that the prevalence of technological advancements like cellphones, ipads, iphones combined with the use of social media like Facebook or Twitter are here to make our life easier and our communication better. But is this really true, especially concerning marriage? In their article “Internet and Cellphone Secrecy”, Cindy and Steve wright claim cellphones are reportedly the cause for trust issues in marriage. Spouses may feel their partner is not being loyal enough or probably cheating when he or she begins to lock their cellphone. Social media like Facebook or MySpace are reported as venues for extramarital affairs online. Many couples have faced infidelity issues because a spouse met “someone else” online (Wright). Is it right to assume that these media sites built for communication amplifies issues of assumption, fear and misunderstanding between a couple? Many people are waking up to the fact that technology is controlling individuals and not only them but even their behaviors and how they relate to others. Everything has stopped becoming up close and personal and has become online, distant and public. Instead of paying attention to those around us, we instead pay attention to those who are online by looking at instagram pictures, the latest tweets or facebook posts. For a married couple, this is a really dangerous position to find themselves in. In order for a marriage to survive and thrive there needs to be a large amount of personal contact, face-to-face conversations and special time in which a couple can show consideration for each other. When it comes to helping communication problems, cellphones and social media are more likely to hurt a relationship than help it. Instead of spending quality time with his wife, a husband may be glued to his phone or ipad catching up on his co-worker or buddies tweets or posts.
In one scenario, a wife may feel frustrated because he is late in coming home again. She may assume he's spending too much time with his female co-worker at work. She's been trying to confront him about the situation and instead of talking about it he opts to shut her out through browsing facebook or playing a game online because he claims her worries are ridiculous. Another couple may realize it's important to have date nights to keep their marriage going. However, at the restaurant, instead of talking to each other and sharing their day, a wife may be tweeting to her girlfriend's about the wonderful place she's eating out at or perhaps the new evening dress she finally got to wear, instead of taking the time to talk to her husband who is feeling neglected and unappreciated. In other words, mobile devices with their social apps only disconnect couples from each other and from the emotional commitment they made to stay faithful to each other and be there for one another. This can be seen in Dave Boehi’s article “Are you married to your cellphone?” In one scenario a husband sent the following text to his wife in response to her trying to get him to talk out their problems instead of texting them. ‘I enjoy texting. Speak message. Little emotion. Can get right to point.’” This shows he felt better about texting out their issues rather than taking the time to sit down with his wife and solve the problem.
With all the problems of miscommunication and digital interferences, couple’s need to sit down with each other and come up with a sensible plan to save their marriages. First of all, couples need to get rid of all the distractions these include their gadgets, friends, or even their children. In a quiet a place where they can talk undisturbed, a couple needs to acknowledge that they are having miscommunication problems and are in deep trouble. Each spouse needs to accept that his or her partner is different and therefore see things differently. From there, both need to address each communication problem they are facing. Black Marriages suggests one good way to do this is for each partner to open up and talk honestly. In talking honestly, a husband or wife must be sensitive to their significant other's feelings and try as much as possible to change negative statements to positive statements. The best way to open up a conversation before stating an opinion about a spouse is to acknowledge them. The spouse acknowledges his or hers good points before diving into the negative. Another important point when a couple is establishing communication is to create a two way exchange. This means when one spouse is talking, the other needs to give him or her, his or hers undivided attention and really listen to what's being said, before responding or making their point. By opening up and letting one's partner in, a person can talk about their plans and how they see things differently, thereby avoiding a misunderstanding in the future. These sit down talks done regularly can clear up an assumptions or fears a spouse may have about his or hers “other half”, and thereby prevent miscommunication problems. What happens when a couple can barely stand each other or they always end up cutting in whenever the other is talking? Then it's wise to get a third party to intervene and guide the healing process of the broken communication of a husband and wife.
To conclude, we see when couples do not take time to identify and sort out their communication problems, they end up having a lot of trouble in their relationships. In the present time, technological advancements, mobile devices and social media applications serve to hurt a married couple's marriage rather than help it. Couples should devise rules for no gadgets at the meal table or restaurants. Couples should also devise a way to talk about pressing issues face to face instead of over the phone or internet and do so face-to-face. Married couples in general need to appreciate the bond they have with each other by learning to love each other by making their relationship through good communication their priority. As Bob Herbert said in his article Tweet Less, Kiss More “Try kissing more and tweeting less. And stop talking so much. Listen. Other people [A husband or wife] have something to say, too.” (Herbert,2010). When a couple takes the time to improve communication and watch each other improve in the way they relate to each other, they will reap the benefits and hopefully avoid getting a divorce .
Sources:
Black Love and Marriage.COM (2011)
Miscommunication in Marriage: The Root of Your Problems
http://www.blackloveandmarriage.com/2011/11/miscommunication-in-marriage-the-root-of-your-problems/
Boehi, Dave (2012)
Are You Married to Your Cell Phone?
http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/staying-married/communication/are-you-married-to-your-cellphone#.UWiYzzfUhwd
Cozzone, Kelly (2011)
Cell Phones can Cause Marriage Problems
http://www.examiner.com/article/cell-phones-can-cause-marriage-problems
Henry
Miscommunication
http://www.articlesalley.com/article.detail.php/281791/53/College-University/Reference-and-Education/6/Miscommunication
Herbert, Bob (2010)
Tweet Less, Kiss More. The New York times, 2010, pA-19
Jordan, Mark (2008)
Marriage Miscommunication – What Are You Saying?
http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/marriage-miscommunicationwhat-are-you-saying-647719.html
Wright, Cindy, Wright, Steve
Internet and Cell Phone Secrecy – Marriage Message #77
http://www.marriagemissions.com/internet-and-cell-phone-secrecy-marriage-message-77/
